When you tell people you’re pregnant they fill you with these ideas of how wonderful it’s going to be and how much you’ll enjoy it. I don’t remember anybody telling me about the guilt that comes hand in hand with being a mum. But why would you feel guilty! I hear you say. Well, just about anything and everything can fill you with a feeling of dread and make you wonder if it’s really worth it.
My children are 13months old (I used to hate it when people would say their kids age in months but I get it now, 1 doesn’t seem to cut the mustard). Since they’ve been born I have had my hair cut once. Now I’m not one for getting my hair cut every month or anything but it really has gone down the drain since the twins were born. Why is that? Well it’s bloody expensive to get my hair cut and I can’t justify £26 on that when I could just as easily spend it on some new clothes, nappies or toys for the kids! So instead, I just leave my hair to grow ever longer (not much of an issue with the rate that mine grows at) and become more and more unruly.
Not only is getting my hair cut expensive but it’s time consuming! The last time I got it cut I was gone for an hour. AN HOUR! That is a crazy amount of time to be away and I just can’t bring myself to do it for something that (for me) is so unimportant. The level of guilt I feel for doing something that simple is ridiculous but it seems to be that the less time I spend away from the kids, the more guilt I feel when I am away.
This weekend my parents are taking the kids so that me and my OH can go out for a meal. It sounds lovely, I know, but I’m having to plan our lunchtime meal around what suits the kids best! Even then I’ll want to hurry back before nap time because the idea of not putting them to bed makes my heart break a little.
So, yes, being a mum is the best thing I have ever done but most of the feelings I have now, I have never experienced before in my life. As stupid as it may seem, guilt seems to be a part of my day to day ritual.