About 6 months ago I deleted my Facebook account. Before the twins were born I had decided I didn’t want any pictures of them on the internet, however this lasted about 2 minutes after I saw how gorgeous they were and wanted to share them with my friends and family! I found myself posting pictures of them (although not too regularly) and searching for likes and comments.
It took me a little while before I realised that I wasn’t actually happy about doing this. I was annoyed at myself for breaking the promise I’d made to myself and, increasingly, I was getting annoyed at other people. I thought that having Facebook was keeping me in contact with people when in actual fact it was just pushing me further and further into a solitude that I couldn’t fight my way out of.
I am quite open with the fact that I suffered with PND and still do have waves of it at times. I fully expected this when I got pregnant as I have suffered from mild depression throughout my life but I didn’t realise how much worse it could get. Even then, my experience of PND is nothing compared to some people, however the more people that can be open about their experiences, the less of a taboo subject it will be. While I was at my lowest I would often feel completely isolated. My closest friends were traveling, my sister lives hours away and I don’t drive so couldn’t easily get to any baby groups. Using Facebook felt like the only place I could share my experiences with people, especially once I found Twin mum groups to join!
After months of feeling lonely I realised that it wasn’t just everyone else’s fault. I was seeing people posting things on Facebook and it was feeling like I knew what was going on in their lives. I didn’t need to contact them and they didn’t need to contact me! It was a spiraling pit and I couldn’t see a way out.
Shortly after New Year I made the decision. I deleted my Facebook account and contacted some of my closest friends. It came at exactly the right time for some of them and was a lifesaver for me! Deleting Facebook meant that I now had to make an effort with people if I wanted to know what was happening and the same with me! It was beautiful.
One moment sticks out in my mind, I was walking home with the twins and my OH and we bumped into someone we both used to work with. Now, I must admit she was a pretty self absorbed person that would turn everything round to her but it still sticks in my memory. We bumped into her holding our 5 month old twins and her reaction was ‘Oh I feel like I know them already’ and then proceeded to talk about herself all over again. Do people really feel like they know my babies because they’ve seen a few pictures on Facebook?
So deleting my account was liberating. I felt free, I felt comfortable and I felt much much happier. It was the best choice for me and I’m glad I did it. I have recently reactivated my account as I needed it to contact my wedding photographer but I don’t feel the same pull as I used to and I feel like there’s a lot less stress within me because of it. To each their own but I know it was the best choice for me and my little family.